Heir Mail #4
Heir Mail #4
In which I remember Nicky Hilton married a Rothschild, and my IRL corkboard gets a job.
Mail is in the heir for week #4 of Heir Mail! The newsletter that’s definitely about heiresses, a little about online media, a lot about where all the in the world money is, and which always, always contains the promise of designer outfits. This week: that promise is fulfilled.
Plus, I attempt to explain the Rothschild family while holding onto an editorial outlook that aims for “deeply skeptical about money but still fun” — without affirming the consolidation of massive wealth or falling into any anti-Semitic sandpits. Why did I choose to do this! This is my free time!
“Billionaire heiress Francesca Packer wears THREE gaudy designer outfits worth over $25,000 as she celebrates her 26th birthday on Sydney Harbour,” from Daily Mail*
This is very exciting. We have our first official second appearance from an heiress, Francesca Packer-Bareham. And technically, it’s her third appearance! We met Francesca in week #2, briefly, when she was co-parenting her dog with her hairdresser, and again for real last week when she was having a birthday party at a gym. This week, that birthday is not over.
But before we get to that, a formatting update? (Feel free to CTRL+F “dresses” to skip)
Something I have in my possession, because pandemic, is an enormous corkboard, which in its short life has yet to find a specific purpose. And it seems only right that I use it to make cards for heiresses who appear in this newsletter more than once and do… something with them?
I can’t say I know what any of this does or is for; it’s all still just information. Like, when I started this newsletter, on an impulse, I began awarding “heiress points” at the end of each long section, as a place to fit in jokes I didn’t have space for in the main copy (“my process”). I’m ambivalent about them — assigning numerical values to people, explicitly women, isn’t really my business. I actually despise this kind of glibness! But I need and enjoy the extra joke space. And hey, they’re, uh, a commentary on the capriciousness of the worth money imbues people with? Anyways, they’re not going anywhere for now because I still do — and will always — feel quite comfortable with the balance of power, re: me and heiresses, but they’ll only appear on the backside of these cards, which will look, approximately like this on the front:
The new heiress corkboard system is born. | Me, I took this.
Fun, right? Age, and net worth. Where that money comes from, and where they’re located/from. Family connections. Maybe more! (I have since updated the net worth to to include a tiny “m.”) It’s not a ranking, ugh, but I imagine collecting a bunch — Anerlisa Muigai and the Hiltons, for sure — and moving them around, for reasons, and drawing connections with literal red string. Basically, I have a solid plan to lose my mind through the composition of this newsletter.
Anyway, dresses! The first thing you need to know about this Daily Mail article is that while the headline says Fran “wears THREE gaudy designer outfits,” the slug says “Francesca-Packer-wears-TWO-gaudy-designer-outfits,” just like that. Indicating that the outfit count actually had to be actively updated — breaking news! — to three, and confirming that the venerable heiress-knowers at the Daily Mail were already plenty impressed with two.
The outfits — in which she “festooned” herself, as per the Mail, an incredibly sharp burn I was initially appalled by but have come to see as fair — were in honor of the theme “Eurotrash,” which is really just a way to have your theme be “conspicuous consumption.” In fairness this is somewhat cunning — but only if you’re, I’m sorry, fucking terrible, and you wish intensely to be fucking terrible in a public way.
(I do not want to call any heiress “fucking terrible” lightly, but hopefully next week I’ll have time to dive deeper in what I’m calling “the cake paradox,” which requires both the knowledge that Marie Antoinette never said “let them eat cake,” and the simultaneous acceptance that that canard — a word coming up again soon in a horrid context — tells us something we’re interested in hearing about wealth.)
Outfit #1, as outlined by Daily Mail.
$2,290 silk PJ top, Fendi
Sunglasses worth $540
$5,000 silver handbag
tote bag worth $4,656, Dior
tote worth $8,030, Chanel
$1,500 platform heels, Saint Laurent
I’m genuinely confused about how many handbags Francesca is supposed to have worn here — seemingly three —but the message intention is clear. It’s all expensive!
The Mail has no information about the dress she’s wearing, but it is pictured on the glitchy bitch of a website. It’s black and “fun” and totally fine. But you’re so rich, and your themed birthday party outfit (theme: excess) heavily features an expensive pajama top? Maybe designers aren’t serving you and you should explore other ideologies, but okay!
Outfit #2, as outlined by Daily Mail.
“a black mini-dress covered in iridescent sequins.”
A glimpse of Francesca’s mini dress but truly click the Mail link, sorry. | @bridgetrocca’s Instagram
The Mail has no info about outfit two’s cost or designer (seen above on the Instagram of some gal happy to be there), but it’s a mesh mini dress of the tackiest variety, and it’s worth checking out because Francesca — who is just curvy enough that I bet this some of this attention feels complex — looks absolutely banging in it.
Outfit #3, as outlined by Daily Mail.
a silver Fendi dress worth around $3,000 and matching stiletto heels.
This looks like a blurry silver windbreaker. Seems chill, gotta have three outfits I guess, but it’s all very Robbie Williams '“Millennium” and we’re done now.
Heiress points: Coming in with 126 from last week! Francesca gets: For a borderline cruel birthday party idea in a mother-to-god PANDEMIC, 80 points. For looking really great in that performatively slutty mesh mini-dress and activating my worst “you go girl” demons, 15 points. For three goddamn outfits, 20 points. For spending $25k and wearing a pa-ja-ma top, -15 points. 226 points!
Estimated net worth: The Sydney Morning Herald estimated in 2016 that her mother Gretel had $739 million ($545.7 million US), as we established on 11/30.
“How Nicky Hilton is practicing self-care in quarantine,” from Page Six
I did not get very far into this article about how Nicky Hilton is practicing self-care in quarantine. I started it, but I only got through three words: Nicky Hilton Rothschild.
The Wikipedia photo for Nicky Hilton really struck me as a good one, so. | Myles Kalus Anak Jihem
Perhaps I should apologize: maybe you’re looking for an heiress newsletter where the author knew before this weekend that one of the most famous modern heiresses — the Skipper to Paris’ Barbie, granddaughter to hotelier Conrad (and grandniece to Liz Taylor-ex Conrad Jr.) — is married to an heir to the Rothschild family. You deserve that! I would read that newsletter! But I am learning along at home, for pretty much everything in here, and I am reeling. Nicky Hilton did the thing! She did the thing capital-S Society is theoretically for! She married UP.
Rothschild is, truthfully, a name I have really only heard as a buzzword to denote paranoid ranting about the Jews (and, once or twice, as part of actual, terrifying paranoid ranting about the Jews). How synonymous are the Rothschilds with anti-Semitic conspiracy theories? Well, their family Wikipedia page has a “Conspiracy theories” section, and that section looks like this:
So that’s a lot to be working with! The Rothschild are indeed a Jewish family who have been rich for a very long time, specifically since the late 1700s, when Mayer Rothschild established himself in banking in Germany (which, as a location, makes me a little like, “ahh, nooo, don’t go in the basement! don’t establish yourself in banking in Germany!” but it’s impossible to say it didn’t work out for him in a lot of ways). In the 1800s, they were the richest people in the world — and of all time, according to Niall Ferguson, according to Wikipedia.
In general, even for this free newsletter, I want to do a little better than cribbing from the Wikipedia entry for a family as big and important as this. But I am legit scared to type “Rothschilds” into Google; I am afraid what it will to do my algorithms. (And I’m not quite ready to commit to buying two volumes of Ferguson.) So, forgive a little more free online encyclopedia.
Despite this long history, Nicky’s financier husband, James, is identified primarily as the grandson to the 3rd Baron Rothschild — like I said, established — whose first name was Nathaniel but who’s referred to on Nicky’s Wiki as Victor, his second middle name. Rich people, so many names, so hard to pin down!
Victor died in 1990 and lived in England. His resume on his own page includes banking, science, espionage, oil (Royal Dutch Shell), more banking (NM Rothschild & Sons), and Margaret Thatcher. He’s suspected by some of being the “fifth man” in a legendary ring of British spies-turned-double agents reporting back to Russian — the other four being the basis for Tinker, Tailor, Solider, Spy. To be fair, Tinker, Tailor, Solider, Spy, Banker-Scientist-Heir, does not have the same ring to it. (Others have also been accused.)
James, for being a Rothschild married to a Hilton sister, has an impressively slight online footprint. But!! There are some pictures of him on Nicky’s Instagram:
James Rothschild, freckled adult. | Nicky Hilton’s Instagram
Not to get Total Pro Sports about this whole thing, but helloooooooo nurse.
In my mind, you are all, like me, absolutely stunned into silence right now by how attractive this man is. You’re like, “Is that the lead singer of Eve 6, whose “Inside Out” video is one of Meredith’s purplest links and she does not usually listen with sound, or is that a scion of the family that has made conspiracy theorists’ heads explode for decades?” But I sent these pics to a friend and got an actual “I’m happy for you” back. (“The girl dad t-shirt,” she texted, “and the sweat shorts.”) Okay, maybe you don’t see it either! We support tall, broad, adult male redheads in this house, even if they’re too rich for anyone’s good. I can’t research anymore, I’m in love!
Heiress points: If Paris got 100 for being Paris, it seems only fair that Nicky get 50 for being Nicky, 50 points. Marrying the scion of more established family, 100 points. Having that scion be stupid hot to me personally, 40 points. Page Six bothering to write an insipid article where you’re like, “In pandemic, I do a lot of hair masks and I support outdoor dining” (same basically!), 30 points. Making me think quietly to myself that you won out over your more famous sister, 100 points. And five points because this whole section ended up being about men and that’s like, not a hope I have for this newsletter, and that’s on me, 5 points. 325 points!
Estimated Net Worth: $50 million, according to Celebrity Net Worth, which says that her dad left “only 3%” of his wealth to his wife, children, and grandchildren also notes about her husb’s fam: “Today, the combined net worth of the Rothschild family is estimated at $400 billion, with some estimates reaching as high as $1 trillion.”
“It's the most Ratchet video ever- Anerlisa Muigai on Ben Pol's new music video,” from Pulse Live Kenya*
This is Kenyan beer heiress Anerlisa Muigai’s first official appearance, but we met her last week, reporting via Insta that she’s dieting to be the same size as her late, tragically murdered sister Tecra.
Anerlisa on Insta | Anerlisa Muigai’s Instagram.
Once again I have bitten off more than I should chew! This week, Anerlisa is talking about husband singer Ben Pol’s new music video; she says it’s highly “ratchet.” Anerlisa and Ben have been on bad terms already. Fine.
Ben Pol is collaborating with Tamimu, who seems to be a shirtless man who The Pulse describes as “very familiar with that type of” … “indigenous Tanzanian music that is slowly penetrating into the mainstream media.” It’s called Singeli, and the site explains it typically features “200 to 300 beats per minute” and says “videos are always dominated by African women shaking their behinds in an informal setting.” Okay!
What it doesn’t tell you, and what I learned with my eyes, cool, is that the music video features an attempted rape. It starts with a dude seeing an ass-shaking video, electrified, and bringing it back to his girl. The woman is clearly the subject of the video. The talent is obvious, and the shaking seems joyful. In the past, they walk, holding hands, her in a Tommy Hilfinger shirt and white backpack, but in the present, the man is tormented by memories of her dancing. They fight. The, the woman is abducted by a group of men, who pick her up and attempt to carry her off, but her man hits them with a rock. The two eventually return home to laugh and dance off the attack. It’s all very upbeat and 200-300 bpm, and very confusing to watch with 2020 Western eyes, which I do have.
The article also reports that Ben Pol has also been the subject of recent attention for wearing nail polish (a different color on each nail, as per a picture on the site).
Heiress points: For tabloid staying power and a window into Kenyan culture, 110 points. For existing in and perpetuating diet culture around the world, so very heiress-y and status quo-upholding, an sun perhaps the darkest way I’ve ever heard, 50 points. For being in a public fight with her husband generally, 50 points. For, to my mind, correctly judging that there is something to object to in said husband’s music video, 20 points. 230 points!
Estimated net worth: As we established last week, mom Tabitha is reportedly worth 2 billion Kenyan shillings, which is just over $18.25 million US.
From the rest of the Alert
Okay, I was going to go deep here (“WHO IS CHLOE GREEN? INSTAGRAM AND BOYFRIEND OF PHILIP GREEN’S HEIRESS DAUGHTER!” // HITC), but in three entries we covered: a quarter grand of clothes and a new doodad for Heir Mail, 300 years of paranoia and my crush on a rich man (ugh!), plus a weak attempt to contextualize attempted rape in an African music video. I’m tired! TLDR: Daughter of man who owns Topshop. Parent company, Arcadia, “has fallen into administration, putting 13,000 jobs at risk.” There’s a picture of Chloe with Who? Weekly’s own Rita Ora! It says she dated Marc Anthony and reminds me that she’s the heiress who dated the Hot Felon. Chloe Green, we’ll come back to this! Use your own money to save those jobs, girl!
It’s probably rude that, to this point, I have ignored Heiress Harris, the three-year-old daughter of singer TI and wife of singer TI, Tiny Harris. She pops often in this alert, more than most, on okay, a bit of a technicality. But what can a rich adult will into being for their child if not heiressdom. This week: Watch as Tiny Harris' Youngest Daughter Heiress' Shows off Impressive Singing Skills in a Video; Last week it was Tiny Harris' Video Featuring Heiress Harris Will Melt Your Heart. I owe her too!
A bunch of stuff came in on Saturday as I was writing this and I just couldn’t integrate it. Maybe I’ll do a mid week update, or maybe next week will be insane, or maybe it won’t come at all. This shit is free.
*mean click the link for better pics.