Hello! You’re reading HeirMail, the only newsletter to come from me (hi) setting a Google Alert for the word “heiress” and then just writing about whatever pops up.
No space for intro. Heiresses!
CTRL+F:
From outside the Alert, unpaid internships
I’d forgotten this villainess, once played by Glenn Close, comes from money in some iterations
Sarah Silverman apologized so I accidentally wrote about Paris Hilton again. I can’t seem to stop, I guess because of my deep ambivalence!
She sells seashells by the high-property-valued shore (if you’re going to CTRL+F one thing from this newsletter, make it this one)
From the rest of the Alert: Gina Rinehart’s daughter’s ex has a webseries, Alice Walton builds a WalMedical School, “Parramatta Eels” is a more beautiful phrase than “cellar door,” a Cadbury’s getting married, maybe don’t meet men on “Widowed and Young,” a tax guy named Bob Lord is right.
A reader tipped me off to an apparent chili brand heiress making the internet have the unpaid internship conversation, again. Does an heiress count if the media doesn’t talk about her? IDK, this week she does because I said so.
Jane Slater, an NFL Network personality and podcast host, posted an unpaid internship opp, and when she got pushback, kept tweeting:
Jane has, it turns out, discussed her grandfather’s financial assistance in the past.
Two things here.
1) While the larger conversation about unpaid internships is a rerun for the extremely online — and one that previously seemed to have the verdict “unpaid work is not an okay requirement for socially mobile jobs” — the ensuing discussion makes it clear that plenty of people with power didn’t absorb the lessons of the unpaid internship discourse the first time! It makes sense, unpaid internships didn’t become illegal, mostly, they’re just frowned upon.1 Whoops!
And 2), her reply stands as an interesting example of how someone understands their own fortune. Jane was quick to point out that she’s had to work for things in her life. Which is very likely true! Separately but not unrelated, she has been handed other things, namely financial assistance from her grandfather, for college, like she talked about.
Lots of people, when they’re accused of any kind of leg up, seem to at least briefly picture someone engaging the most decadent possible behavior they can imagine. I personally see a little art deco cartoon reaching into a close-at-hand trough of diamonds and eating a fistful. (They’re special edible diamonds.) If you’ve never engaged in the particular level of your mind’s eye’s indulgence (not to sound too down to earth, but I have never eaten gemstones like popcorn), it’s possible to feel wounded by these insinuations. And I think there’s some tendency, if you hear someone else has had a leg up, to assume that then engaged in precisely that behavior. (How many diamonds has Kylie Jenner eaten from an evening-gloved hand? We may never know.) It’s surprisingly difficult to remember that there are tiers to privilege and fortune below “snacking on high-priced crystals while lounging in a gold bathtub” (there’s also a gold bathtub in mine). But there are other tiers, and one is “free college.” It’s a good idea to learn to accept that simple reality, that something nice happened to you that doesn’t happen to everyone, without thrashing so much. It’s a waste of energy.
Anyways, it’s settled now. Jane realizes that said unpaid work — because it was short-term and from home — should have been called a project. (Oh no.)
Estimated net worth: Republic World stresses that it “does not guarantee a 100% accuracy of the figures” which is “sourced from various websites/ media reports” (honey, same), but that Jane’s net worth might be an estimated $1 million, while she could make $43,640. Who knows! If it’s true, it would be interesting to note that salary is probably more sustainable if you already have $1 million bucks.
“A Coat Fit for a Supervillain,” The Cut
This Cut article — about a black and white coat from the Valentino coat from the fall collection that gave correctly writer Andrew Nguyen Cruella de Vil vibes — has popped up in the alert to remind us that the puppy-skinning Disney villain is actually an heiress.
So, I fell deep into character’s Wikipedia page. Sorry if this reads like sponcon for that Emma Stone movie, it’s not; no one asked and also I make my little listicles for art.
I got this picture from a fandom site, please don’t sue me, Disney. | Fair use character artwork, supposedly
The character comes from a children’s novel from the 1950s, originally called The Great Dog Robbery. It has a pretty wild staying power for something that was originally serialized in Woman’s Day.
The original Cruella has a weak lil furrier husband and is super mean to him. That’s what we call #realfeminism.
The animated Disney character, originated in 1961, was based in attitude on Tallulah Bankhead, which is why she rules. Her physical form was based on young Mary Wickes, aka Sister Mary Lazarus from Sister Act, which is a surprise.
The live-action Glenn Close Cruella owns a fashion house and is maybe not heiress? Keeping with that self-made theme, Glenn said “I will fall into the molasses myself.” She did not have a stunt double for that scene.
In the ABC show Once Upon a Time, Cruella is a witch (?) who murdered her father and two step-fathers. Reading the summary of her time on that show is a great substitute for drugs.
None of this very long Wikipedia page tells me what her parents or grandparents do. Where does her money come from! Perhaps it is in the novel, I will never know.
It makes perfect sense, though, that an iconic female villain comes from inherited wealth. Spoiled actually rotten is one of the oldest archetypes; a woman character rarely has more potential for evil than when she’s given stuff for free. You can read some misogyny there, but there’s also human logic, if not inevitability: cruelty comes from power, power comes from money, and for 1950s-era gals, money often comes from parents (or husbands). It could seem unfair, until you realize Julie Jenkins Fancelli and Rebekah Mercer exist.
Estimated net worth: In 2002, Forbes Fictional Fifteen listed Cruella’s assets at $875 million, from inheritance. In the novel, she’s broke and all her coats aren’t paid off. Either way, dog murderer.
“Sarah Silverman apologizes to Paris Hilton for past prison jokes that left hotel heiress 'wanting to die,’” Fox News
“Sarah Silverman Apologizes to Paris Hilton for 2007 Jail Dig: I Regretted the Jokes 'Immediately',” Us Weekly
“Sarah Silverman Apologizes to Paris Hilton for Jail Joke at 2007 MTV Movie Awards,” Entertainment Tonight
“Paris Hilton Says David Letterman Humiliated Her,” WBAP
Sarah Silverman recently apologized to Paris Hilton for 2007 MTV Movie awards. Sarah’s jokes were about Paris’ coming imprisonment stemming from a DUI arrest, which, it turns out, is where the era’s ultimate rich girl was headed immediately following the award show: jail, early, to avoid media attention.
The apology comes after Paris talked on her podcast about how terrible it was to hear that she’d probably love to suck the bars of prison if they looked like dicks — to great laughter in front of Chris Brown and Jack Nicholson — as the survivor of an abusive teen behavioral center who was staring down losing her freedom again that very night. With that full context, even without, it feels awful to watch now.
Paris also talked (to Nicky!) on the pod about David Letterman humiliating her that same year, asking about jail after promising not to. I didn’t rewatch that clip, but if you read this, you likely also recently rewatched him tormenting Lindsay Lohan in 2013. David reportedly apologized to Paris at the time by sending her a case of wine. She also said on the pod, “I felt like [the Letterman show] was a safe place,” which really makes me wonder about her PR person.
Honestly same with “sending her to the MTV Movie Awards while in her version of The 25th Hour.” Sarah Silverman, for her part, was 37 years old in 2007 and at the still-early height of her career. I am refraining from a deep image analysis of the black gown she’s wearing in that clip, re: how it’s not sneakers and a hoodie. Two years off Jesus Is Magic, just about to start her TV show, she was stand-up comedy’s official entry into the “I don’t know, maybe a woman can be funny” conversation. (The next year she, Tina Fey, and Amy Poehler’s back would pose for a Vanity Fair cover that addressed that question while trying to downplay having asked it in the first fucking place.2) It’s weird to think that Sarah’s act was actually a surprisingly early draft of “woman accepted as a stand-up comic.” She was literally the gal who was cool about it when Louis CK jerked off in front of her. It was years before we would start robustly questioning what it means to “be funny” and more granularly who got to be it, or any of that shit that the comedy world resents so much.
Lots of people should look at the year 2007 and say “I’m sorry.”3 We were not doing well then as a culture, and we were not nice to each other about it. We devoured blonde women at a binge rate, and those were the type we nominally liked. People in the media, especially those with concrete power like ole’ David and arguably Sarah, should feel worse, but I personally feel badly for how mean I was about Paris Hilton then, and about lots of other people — famous, unfamous, everyone. I’d also guess, or at least hope, that there are aspects of that year that Paris Hilton wished she’d approached with greater generosity. We were all just so spiky and selfish. We still are, but god were we then; just before the Recession, traumatized from 9/11 and trying to keep our low-rise pants up.
Paris was rehabilitated in the #girlboss era, so now her thing is sort of, “don’t be mean to me, I’m good at business.” It makes me want to be mean to her. But those old jokes — which, jail made of penises? Weren’t we all in one in 2007? — said more about the culture than about her, even as she was a part and product of that culture, even as she still reflects back ugly pieces of it.
Estimated net worth: Paris is still coming in at $300 million, according to Express, Stylecaster, and Celebrity Net Worth.
“Libbie Mugrabi backtracks on ‘selfish’ comment about former sister-in-law,” New York Post
I feel like every week just as I am trying to wrap up, I learn something so staggeringly heiressy that I am thrown into disarray.
The New York Post dove into what seems to be a super bitchy Tatler article (not online) about art world monsters, specifically a recently divorced socialite named Libbie Mugrabi. When Libbie talks about her heiress former sister-in-law Colby Mugrabi, “a froideur steals across the room.” I’m quoting the Post quoting that line, that’s how fun that line is. (It means mutual cold bitch attitude.)
Libbie4, 40, made some weird rude comments about how Colby, 28, isn’t a mom (twist: Colby is pregnant now), but whatever, whatever, we need to get to Colby because it turns out her thing is painting corporate logos on seashells and selling them for $1,000 a pop.
She calls this pandemic project “Consumerism Ashore,” and her larger endeavor Minnie Muse. She made a Dunkin Donuts shell, but it’s sold out. My feelings about this are intense and implacable. I cannot be placked. I also can’t quite cut through the writing on her site to tell exactly how and if the gag is pitched here. It’s written in pure money.
Colby is a former cool teen, and her dad is private equity dude John W. “Jay” Jordan II, a very rich man. Her art collector husband Tico, 51, was apparently Trump’s “emotional support dog” during the first impeachment, as per ArtNet. The couple was going to throw the then-president a fundraiser, but didn’t, and after the insurrection, Colby posted an Insta saying Trump would go to jail. Later she deleted it.
I hesitate to put too fine a point on this, because a huge part of me wants to befriend Colby and help her become America’s Rose Dugdale5 but: Trump-y husband, quarantine boredom, no freedom to post?? What is money even for?
Estimated net worth: After Libbie’s divorce from Tico’s brother David, that couple was reported to be worth $5 billion, and Libbie wasn’t as rich as Colby, so. Colby and Tico (here boy, sit)’s wedding might have cost as much as $20 million.
From the rest of the Alert
The webshow version of Hope Rinehart’s bodyguard ex-lover’s tell-all is out, if you remember that plot line from January. One of the Daily Mail bullets is “Features lengthy montage where Hope's character, himself, gaze at one another.” (I still highly rec the Gina Rinehart New Yorker profile, a classic of heiress journalism.)
Alice Walton, of the Walmart Walton’s, is opening a medical school focused on “whole health.” As per the KUAF interview, that’s everything you do “in a four year school of medicine and then more.” The more is kind of bedside manner; the school will be in Bentonville, which is Walmart’s Arkansas hub. Just because we’ve never dug into Alice, but need to, her ENW is $61.5 billion.
Morco Fresh fruit and vegetable scion Dominique Moraitis was pregnant when she broke up with her boyfriend, a footballer from the Parramatta Eels. Last weekend, she threw a baby shower. The implication of the article feels very “she threw a baby shower, even without her boyfriend!” but like, she’s still having a baby.
Jemima Cadbury, the great-great-great granddaughter of John, of the bunny Cadbury’s, is engaged to a Lord’s nephew. Daily Mail leans into sugar jokes.
Another murder of an heiress whose wealth probably wouldn’t make headlines if she hadn’t been killed, almost certainly by her male romantic partner. Paula Leeson’s family owned a construction company, her husband was a property developer, and he’s accused of drowning her on holiday in Denmark for £3.5million. Eight days after her death, the 47 year old man signed up for a site called “Widowed and Young.”
No one in particularly, but this little op-ed in the New Herald by a tax attorney named Bob Lord looks how billionaires are passing their wealth to their kids for free thanks to tax shelters. He explains that the estate tax is basically a weak-ass suggestion.
Almost like this discourse isn’t… working? No, never, let’s keep talking.
Christopher Hitchens, I’m not linking, first said we weren’t on January 1, 2007. No one wonder that year was so awful.