Heir Mail #32
The main Ghislaine strays plainly from this Dane.
Hello! You’re reading Heir Mail, the only newsletter to come from me (hi) setting a Google Alert for the word “heiress” and then just writing about whatever pops up.
Hi hi hi, welcome, welcome back, etc.
You might have assumed, as I did, that the most important Lady Gaga related-heiress news of late was The House of Gucci movie — Patrizia Reggiani smoking or clapping her hands or hanging out in a candlelit bathtub (there are multiple!), or specifically the scene where she gets banged out on the trailer desk at her dad’s construction company while wearing Adam Driver’s big glasses. God, give her every Oscar!
But no, there’s more. Apparently, way back in 2007 Gaga wrote a song called “Heiress,” which only leaked on December 19th of this year. You can find it (for now) at SoundCloud and it’s terrible, but it’s also this newsletter’s new, unsanctioned, official theme song.
Damn, it's good to be rich and famous
Just like Paris
Page Six, A-list, gorgeous, face it
Everybody loves an heiress
Damn, it's nice to have cars and money
When you're twenty
Bel Air, blonde hair, Greek shipping heir
Everybody loves an heiress
Give Selling Sunset this bop! It deserves to be played over transitional footage of the Hollywood Hills and a chyron of Christine’s potential commission.
Also, some of you may be here because Substack kindly wrote Heir Mail up! Thanks, hi! When they did that, they kindly hooked me up with a Getty subscription, which is huge news. I am already abusing the hell out of it.
It’s been a while, so we’re going try to catch up on the alert. There’s a lot of Ghislaine(s) news! Hold onto your yachts!
Command + Shift + F for:
Jeffrey Epstein’s OTHER heiress
Lady Ghislaine’s trial continues with missing witnesses, former employees, and Elizabeth Loftus
A DIFFERENT Ghislaine, from France
From the rest of the alert: Harry Potter 30th BDay, a Lincoln Project die hard, the fourth plane in the 12th dimension, party princess, botched bad, a Publix heiress passes — no, not that one.
“Ghislaine Maxwell trial: Epstein dated Norwegian heiress later linked to Trump while in relationship with socialite, court hears,” The Independent
Okay here’s a fun party game, ask your family and friends: you could be a beautiful woman with tons of generational wealth — but you have to date Jeffrey Epstein and be named Celina Midelfart. Would you take it?
Celina’s Norwegian heiress of Danish origin, and her family is old-old. She used to run their beauty business, Midelfart AS, but has since sold to Proctor & Gamble and other conglomerates; now, she’s the owner of an investment company called Midelfart Capital AS. She presumably does not know there are other names you can call stuff.
She also — according to a woman named Cimberly Espinosa, once Ghislaine Maxwell’s assistant — dated Jeff, the dead ephebophile and probable head of the CIA or whatever, when Ghislaine did. (We’ll get to G in a minute.) Cimberly says he totally bought Celina flowers.
But — ew — he’s not her only ex:
Honestly, I’d have taken it all until that last part1. Celina, you’re rich, wtaf??
In a depressing but personally fortunate turn, Celina was the woman Trump was out with — at the Kit Kat Club, for anyone who worried the late ‘90s seemed cool — when he met Melania and asked for her number.
Other boyfriends included Robbie Williams (hot in a sleazy way, hugely would), a Norwegian Prince (not bad at all, tbh), and Petter Stordalen, a billionaire who spoke to a 2005 documentary saying, “What you see as you get to know her, is that she is a very humorous, sporty and fun girl with a fantastic mood.” If a man I slept with said that and I had the money, I would have him killed, Patrizia style. In 2010, she married Tor Olav Trøim, an entrepreneur who looks like he’d be friends with Reagan. The pair live in London.
She went to the London School of Economics, where apparently they don’t teach you the economics of not dating Donald fucking Trump when you’re already fucking rich, and NYU’s Stern, but not at the same time that I was following my college roommate around the campus going, “buy, sell, buy, sell, I need cow futures yesterday!” She continues to do business, businessly, and the Mail says, “A 2017 article claimed Trøim and Celina earned over a billion kroner in just two years from insurance, gas and rig businesses.” They don’t link to it, so let’s assume it’s in Norwegian. A billion kroner is little more than $110K US, which is like, okay, not to be rude but who cares.
Celina, for her part, denies dating Jeff, also in Norwegian.
Estimated net worth: AmericanStarBuzz dot com puts Celina at $10 mil, All Famous Birthday dot com says only $1.5 milllion.
“Ghislaine Maxwell trial : Epstein’s former girlfriend declines to testify as defence rests its case,” The Independent
“Ghislaine Maxwell trial - live: Defence may rest today after losing bid for more time to locate witness,” The Independent
“Ghislaine Maxwell's sex trafficking trial has given the world a glimpse of her strange, luxe life with Jeffrey Epstein,” ABC.net.au
And we learned all that about Celina because: Ghislaine Maxwell’s trial continues. To refresh, she’s being tried on six counts, three of which are conspiracy and three of which have to do with sex/trafficking, all of which are related to being a kind of grooming madam to teen girls for her maybe-sometimes-boyfriend Jeffrey.
Also to refresh, her father was a media mogul who supposedly died by falling off his big boat while peeing.
Ghislaine’s defense kicked off with the aforementioned Cimberly, who besides saying Big Ep looked lovey-dovey with Celina, also said he was “a kind person.” Great witness, very observant! She further said Ghislaine was “nice” and “fun” but also interviewed her in a stretch limo for a job that involved getting a daily list 50 things done “yesterday.” She claimed that one of the accusers sent her an autographed picture later. This is all evidence that ???????
Many of the defense witnesses are former employees of the pair. Reportedly, as per Australia’s ABC, household staff at Epstein's Palm Beach mansion were given a manual that told them to “see nothing, hear nothing, say nothing, except to answer a question directed at you.” Another witness is a former girlfriend of Jeff’s who says her kids liked him. A third is Elizabeth Loftus, whose whole thing is talking about false memories. She’s testified in the trials of notorious innocents such as Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, Robert Durst, OJ, but also spoke out against the satanic panic, so I don’t know, maybe that evens out? (I Googled “Elizabeth Loftus Sarah Marshall” to know how to think about it but nothing came up.) A bunch of people weren’t allowed to testify anonymously, so they didn’t at all. The burden of proof isn’t on the defense, but woof.
Ghislaine didn’t speak for herself, so I’ll let these pictures that I got from Getty say whatever it is they have to say:
I know Celebs with Ghislaine exists, but I feel compelled to do a follow up special edition newsletter with more of the Getty results that can’t fit here. She steps and repeats and steps and repeats. There she is grinning big in a feathery mask at Bette Midler charity gala table, flanked by bare-faced men who carry on their conversation around her. There’s her, supposedly, hugging Graydon Carter as Harvey Weinstein looks on. There’s Robert, her father, on the boat that killed him; then Ghislaine with his casket. There are pictures of her secret New Hampshire hideaway. There she is as a little girl. Like the trial, it all doesn’t tell us much of anything.
Estimated net worth: Celebrity Net Worth, the gold standard in “sure, whatever!,” says $20 million. Sure, whatever!
“France reopens infamous heiress murder case after three decades,” RFI via Yahoo
“Gardener Omar Raddad fights to overturn conviction for murder of heiress Ghislaine Marchal,” The Times UK
We hate murder but we love grammar.
The note written in 65-year-old Ghislaine Marchal’s blood, found with her body at her home outside Cannes in 1991, translates to something like “Omar has kill me.” In French it’s the matter of a letter — “Omar m'a tuer” vs. “Omar m'a tuee” — but lawyers for our new Ghislaine’s gardner, Omar Raddad, convicted of the murder in 1994, argue that the well-educated widow would not have made the mistake.
This wasn’t evidence that reopened the case, though. The new evidence includes further DNA analysis, including fingerprints from a bunch of unidentified people from the scene.
The case has been in the public eye for 30 years, including as the subject of a documentary. Omar has been free since 1998, when then president Jacques Chirac commuted part of his sentence.
The late Ghislaine was the widow a guy who owned a car parts company, and the daughter of an industrialist. She was supposed to have lunch with friends on the day of her murder.
Estimated net worth: N/A for people who have been dead 30 years.
From the rest of the alert
India Rose James, whose grandpa Paul Raymond owned magazines like Men Only and Escort and also owned a bunch of land, threw a Harry Potter-themed birthday party because she was turning thirty (30). This is the opposite of sexy, but the Daily Mail is like, “PORN HEIRESS PORN HEIRESS PORN HEIRESS.” Tatler also reports.
If you’re wondering who is still donating to the Lincoln Project, it’s Walmart’s Christy Walton.
Psychics in 1979 told Marcia Moore’s family that “the heiress to the Sheraton Hotel fortune was ‘stuck in the fourth plane in the 12th dimension.’” (Marcia had four husbands, and plans to dematerialize herself.)
Princess has crowded party. Also, her name is Amalia de Orange which rules.
Botched lipo killed Bonnie Evita Law, scion of the Hong Kong fashion brand Bossini.
A Publix heiress died but it wasn’t Julie Jenkins Fancelli, funder of the activities directly preceding Capitol Riot. It was her sister Carol Jenkins Barnett, at only 65, of Alzheimer’s.
In that first picture, Celina and Jeff are actually at Mar-A-Largo. Ha ha!
All of this! 🤣 I also love that you now have the perfect terrible/wonderful theme song!
Is there a subscription option?